17 July 2008

What to type?

A couple of months ago I learned that one of my old friends had committed suicide. I've been wanting to write about it for a while, but I've had neither the words nor the inclination.

The whole thing upset me a great deal. First of all, I hadn't spoken to this friend, a girl whom I had dated, since I became engaged to be married back in 2004. I believed that she still had feelings for me and, out of respect for my wife, I distanced myself from her. I would like to say that it was difficult for me to let go of the relationship, but it wasn't. That is not to say that I did not have a strong affection for my friend. Though I no longer harbored romantic feelings toward her, we shared one of the closest and most unique friendships that I have ever had. So, when I googled her a couple of months ago and found a memorial page, I was shaken.

I contacted some of her friends and found out that she had committed suicide a month after we stopped talking. A number of questions raced in my head. Did the end of our relationship lead her to commit suicide? What if I had not ended our relationship? What if we had gotten back together? I felt a number of emotions as well. Guilt for ending our relationship. Sorrow at losing a friend. Sadness that she would not get to experience the joy of having a child.

I thought about death. Since I abandoned Christianity, I have avoided the topic of religion, and the finality of her death was terrible. For the first time, I was confronted with the death of a friend my own age.

I was extremely depressed for about a week, but I slowly began to move on. Now, two months later, I have stopped thinking about her on a daily basis. Still, when I see girls who resemble her, I hope that, somehow, it has all been a bad dream - that she is still living in Boston and making people laugh with her crazy humor.

I worry that there will come a day on which none of us think of her, and perhaps that's the saddest irony. She committed suicide because she felt invisible and alone, and now she is.

1 comment:

Kel said...

Hey! Long time :) I've been bad about blog reading. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. But the reality is that it won't help to make assumptions as to why she committed suicide because your mind will think of anything...and most like it isn't truth. I know that my mind is a dangerous place when I wander there alone.

Enjoy your family :)